We're asking the wrong question about artificial intelligence.
The typical framing goes like this: What can humans do that machines cannot? And with each passing month, the list gets shorter. AI can now write, code, diagnose, create art, compose music, and hold surprisingly natural conversations.
But this entire line of inquiry is misguided. It assumes that human value lies in capability—in what we can produce, analyze, or create. It keeps us trapped in a competition we cannot win.
The real question isn't about capability at all. It's about yearning.
The Science of Human Yearning
In 1943, Abraham Maslow introduced his famous hierarchy of needs. It became iconic—and planted a misunderstanding that still haunts us.
We turned human needs into a ladder. First you satisfy basic needs, then you "move on" to higher pursuits. This mechanical view leads us astray.
Psychologist Steven Hayes' research, building on contextual behavioral science, reveals something different: humans aren't climbing a ladder of needs. We're moved by fundamental yearnings that operate simultaneously—like a symphony, not a staircase.
These yearnings aren't conscious goals or strategies. They are the emotional and psychological currents beneath our choices. And crucially, while machines can simulate outcomes, they cannot experience the yearning itself—the reaching that makes meaning.
Yearning 1: Belonging — To Be Seen and Accepted
Sarah Martinez discovered the power of belonging in an unlikely place: a corporate Slack channel.
One Thursday, overwhelmed and exhausted, she admitted in the general chat: "I've been struggling with my daughter's remote learning, and honestly, I don't know how other parents are managing this."
Within minutes, colleagues shared their own struggles, offered help, and created what Sarah later called "the first real human moment I'd had at work in months."
Why we're wired for this: Evolutionary anthropologist Robin Dunbar estimates a cognitive limit of approximately 150 meaningful relationships—a constraint unchanged by digital life. Our brains are wired for tight social bonds that sustained cooperative survival for millennia.
Connection ≠ Belonging: Dating apps, social media, and AI chatbots can manufacture connections. But belonging emerges from shared humanity, mutual support, and vulnerability over time. The U.S. Surgeon General warns that loneliness carries health risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
What AI cannot do: AI companions can soothe, but they risk becoming "engines of experiential avoidance"—letting us feel connected without risking the growth that real relationships require.
Yearning 2: Coherence — Life Needs to Make Sense
A data scientist could model the world with precision—until a sudden loss shattered everything. The equations still worked. The processes still made sense. Yet nothing answered the only question that mattered: Why?
Coherence is the drive toward meaning-making—linking experience to larger patterns of significance.
The danger of instant answers: Large language models offer swift explanations, but they short-circuit the struggle that produces genuine comprehension. Cognitive scientists call this "cognitive offloading"—outsourcing mental functions to tools in ways that may weaken our own capacity.
Growth through contradiction: Leon Festinger's research on cognitive dissonance shows that discomfort drives growth when we reconcile conflicting beliefs. Some questions don't resolve cleanly. Holding both truths can be transformative.
What AI cannot do: AI can provide information. It cannot help you make sense of your father's death, your career transition, or your place in a changing world. That meaning-making is irreducibly human.
Yearning 3: Orientation — Know Where You Stand
A morning ritual that re-locates you in space, time, and story can restore something essential: the sense of where you've been, where you're going, and why it matters.
Hayes calls this "self-as-context"—a stable vantage point from which change becomes possible.
Beyond external metrics: Modern culture measures direction via scoreboards: job titles, follower counts, bank balances. But these are maps drawn by others. Hayes points to "chosen life directions"—ongoing patterns of action aligned to your own values.
Effort creates meaning: Psychologist Carol Dweck shows that we draw meaning from growth itself. Often, transformation begins with what Hayes calls "creative hopelessness"—dropping strategies that don't work before we're open to new ones.
What AI cannot do: AI can tell you what time it is. It cannot tell you where you stand in the story of your life or what the next chapter should mean.
Yearning 4: Feeling — The Courage to Feel Deeply
Researcher Brené Brown found something counterintuitive: the most fulfilled people aren't those who avoid difficult emotions. They're those who can feel without being overwhelmed.
Hayes calls this emotional acceptance—willingness to experience feelings without reflexively fixing or fleeing.
The numbing trap: Culture teaches avoidance: medicate, distract, scroll, binge. But numbing negative emotion also numbs joy, love, and wonder. You cannot selectively anesthetize.
Emotions as compass: Marc Brackett's research on "emotional granularity" shows that naming nuances—distinguishing disappointment from sadness from grief—unlocks wisdom and appropriate action.
What AI cannot do: AI can simulate empathy. It cannot feel devastated by loss, elated by love, or moved by beauty. It cannot reciprocate vulnerability. Outsourcing our emotional processing to bots erodes the psychological flexibility that helps us act by our values when feelings surge.
Yearning 5: Self-Directed Meaning — Choose What Your Life Means
Viktor Frankl observed something remarkable in Nazi concentration camps: dignity and purpose persisted even in extreme deprivation. The last freedom is to choose one's attitude toward suffering.
This yearning is about creating meaning through values-guided choices—what Hayes calls "values-based living."
Resist external scoreboards: Platforms and workplaces gamify life—likes, reviews, metrics. Over-reliance on external validation creates rigidity that derails values-consistent action.
Live by intrinsic values: Research consistently shows that organizing life around intrinsic values—growth, relationships, contribution—reliably boosts wellbeing over extrinsic rewards like money, status, or fame.
What AI cannot do: AI can optimize outcomes you define. It cannot care whether the outcomes matter. It cannot choose to find meaning in struggle or decide that your life signifies something.
Yearning 6: Competence — The Joy of Growth
At forty-five, Marcus Rivera made a late-career pivot from corporate analyst to traditional woodworker. The shift wasn't about productivity—AI could analyze data faster than he ever could. It was about presence.
The feel of wood grain under his fingers. The patience required to wait for glue to set. The mastery measured only against yesterday's self.
The anxiety-dependence loop: As tools grow more capable, we risk "learned technological helplessness" and the "automation paradox"—decreased human readiness when systems fail. Meaning hinges not just on results, but on the process of becoming competent.
Develop irreplaceable skills: Don't race machines. Cultivate skills they can't hold: embodied skills (hands, senses) and relational skills (empathy, attunement). Learning for love of learning—that's the key.
What AI cannot do: AI can learn in seconds what takes humans years. But it cannot experience the joy of struggle, the satisfaction of incremental improvement, or the pride of hard-won mastery.
The Convenience-Intimacy Paradox
AI brings unprecedented convenience while threatening the very inefficiencies that feed our deeper needs.
When we use technology to dodge struggle, uncertainty, or awkwardness, we shrink our capacity for growth and connection. Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's research on "flow" shows that optimal experience requires challenge—tasks that stretch but don't snap us.
The answer isn't to reject AI. It's to use it to remove empty friction so you can engage the right friction—the kind that grows you.
Ask regularly: Does this use of technology help me live my values, or does it just trade growth for convenience?
Understanding Your Unique Pattern
These six yearnings are not problems to solve. They are your compass.
Belonging doesn't end when you find community. Competence doesn't end when you master a skill. These are directions, not destinations.
A Simple Assessment: Take 15 minutes to rate each yearning's current fulfillment (1-10) and identify one specific area where you'd like more satisfaction:
- Belonging — Am I seen and accepted as my authentic self?
- Coherence — Does my life make sense and have meaning?
- Orientation — Do I know where I stand in time and purpose?
- Feeling — Am I fully experiencing emotional depth?
- Self-Directed Meaning — Am I creating significance from within?
- Competence — Am I experiencing the joy of growth?
Your Irreducible Humanity
In an age when AI can replicate many capabilities, these six yearnings are not obsolete—they are essential.
They represent the irreducible core of human existence that no algorithm can touch. Not because machines aren't sophisticated enough (yet), but because yearning itself—the reaching, the aching, the hoping—is what makes us human.
No machine will ever know what it is to yearn for understanding, hunger for belonging, or ache for meaning.
That's your gift. That's your humanity. That's what remains when the robots do everything better.
Take the Six Yearnings Assessment
Discover your unique pattern of fulfillment and frustration with the complete assessment in the book.
Get IKIGAI 2.0 on AmazonFrequently Asked Questions
What makes humans different from AI?
The difference isn't capability—AI is increasingly capable. The difference is yearning. Humans experience fundamental yearnings for belonging, coherence, orientation, feeling, self-directed meaning, and competence. AI can simulate behaviors but cannot experience the reaching, aching, and hoping that makes us human.
Can AI fulfill human psychological needs?
AI can assist with some needs but cannot fulfill others. It can help with information, coordination, and task completion. But needs like belonging, meaning-making, and emotional depth require human experience and reciprocity that AI fundamentally lacks.
What are the six core human yearnings?
The six core yearnings are: (1) Belonging—the need to be seen and accepted, (2) Coherence—the need for life to make sense, (3) Orientation—knowing where you stand in time and purpose, (4) Feeling—experiencing emotional depth, (5) Self-Directed Meaning—creating significance from within, (6) Competence—the joy of growth and mastery.
Why is the yearning for belonging important?
Evolutionary anthropologist Robin Dunbar found humans have a cognitive limit of about 150 meaningful relationships. Our brains are wired for tight social bonds. The U.S. Surgeon General warns loneliness carries health risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes daily. Belonging isn't optional—it's essential.
Can AI companions solve loneliness?
AI companions can provide comfort but risk becoming "engines of experiential avoidance"—letting us feel connected without risking the growth that real relationships require. True belonging requires vulnerability, mutual support, and shared humanity that AI cannot reciprocate.
How do I know which yearnings need attention?
Rate each yearning's current fulfillment from 1-10: Belonging (Am I seen and accepted?), Coherence (Does my life make sense?), Orientation (Do I know where I stand?), Feeling (Am I experiencing emotional depth?), Self-Directed Meaning (Am I creating significance?), Competence (Am I experiencing growth?). Low scores indicate areas needing attention.
Related Resources
- The Six Yearnings Assessment — Discover your dominant yearnings
- What Is IKIGAI 2.0? — The complete framework introduction
- AI Partnership, Not Replacement — Working with AI, not against it
- The Meaning Deficit — Why work alone can't fulfill you